**WARNING** Long vent post about my false negative beliefs. If
you are struggling with your own, or you've got too big of a plate filled with
hard things that are weighing down on you, please don't read. I don't want to
add to your burden. If you decide to read anyways, then that is on you, not me.
99.9% of the time I only post the positives and the funnies of
our family and how I'm doing. I feel that by doing that, people may secretly
have a "perfect picture" of me. That is not my intent. My intent is to
keep my personal news positive when there is so much negative in the world. And
I don't want to be a constant downer on others. I also know that when you focus
on the negatives, you won't see the positives. But, right now, I need to
release some false negative beliefs mixed in with the hard truths about myself
in an attempt to help me out of my funk. I usually try venting to those I know
who can handle it before posting something like this, but this one feels too
strong just to do a normal vent.
I have a perfection complex. (I'm pretty sure most of us do, but
that doesn't make it easier sometimes). My perfection complex has become a lot
better in the last 4 years (moving from an emotionally toxic environment and
getting therapy were the biggest help). But I still struggle. Most of the time
I can keep it at bay and either ignore it and/or forgive myself for not being
perfect. this week is not one of those times. The funny thing is I just gave
advice to one of my closest friends about her perfection complex. I guess God
decided "You gave her advice on this subject, now let’s have you work on
yours that you try to hide." So here it goes...
My perfection complex is over my house and my kids' behaviors.
My house is in a constant state of a mess! I ABHOR it!!! I have been working
my butt off for a little over a month to FINALLY have it in order AND organized
so when I finally do get a job, we can all come home to a nice clean house, I
can actually feel relaxed enough to cook on a regular basis, and we can focus
on quality family time during the short couple of hours we would all have
together before the kids have to go to bed. **Positives** I finally have our
things from storage we pulled out in March organized, My craft table and the
crafts are cleaned and organized, the kids have a playroom again, I have
installed thermal curtains over windows in our coldest rooms to try to reduce
our winter electric bill, and more. **Negatives** The house is STILL a
disaster! Better, but still a disaster! I haven't even held one of my parties
in almost a year because of my house (mostly due to all the storage boxes
that's been sitting around. I've been working my butt off for over a month,
even with help from an outside source, but I feel like I have nothing to show
for it, even though I know I do! I feel like I am not getting any traction,
even though I know I am. I feel like that for working so hard and diligently
for a month WITH help, I should have been done! I should be relaxing and
playing with the kids. I should be training for my carpentry apprenticeship
entry test that’s coming up, and I should be job searching in case I don’t make
it into the apprenticeship. But I’m not. I’m STILL trying to play catchup. But,
I no longer have that help, which is the HARDEST thing to do with someone who
is a social cleaner like I am. This is not me asking anyone to come to help me.
Even though I have had help this last month, I shy away from asking for help
with my house, because I have lost friends. No, actually those “friends” ended
up showing their true colors and backstabbed me after volunteering without me
asking to “help” me. They stopped being my friend, and from what we can tell
spread nasty rumors about us at church because other people stopped being our
friend and talking to us. It hurt! That “friend” didn’t even help us clean, she
just threw everything in garbage bags without separating (garbage, dirty
clothes, clean clothes, dirty dishes, etc. all mixed in together!) and threw
them in one room for me to organize at my “convenient” time. So, no. I’m not
asking for help. I’m just venting…wishing for a fairy godmother.
My kids are of no help. They act like they don't give a crap and
only actually do the chores when I'm pissed off. I'm sick of the backtalk and
disrespect. Most people don't see that side, because they act pretty well
around others. The most often place people see their disrespect is in the
stores, around strangers. A couple days ago, the kids were messing around and
roughhousing with each other in the store, regardless of how many times I told
them to knock it off. They hadn't listened to me all day and they still weren't
listening at the store! That shopping trip, a man told Zander it wasn't nice
that he was punching/shoving Kayson (he may not have realized it was out of
play, even though they are not allowed to do that in the store). Then he proceeded
to go farther and tell my kids that his mom would have had his hide (he worded
it differently) if he and his siblings did that. His mom would have taken them
out of the store and not shop with them, not get them anything, and go home. I
realize that he was trying to help the kids realize that their behavior was
unacceptable, and normally I don't mind strangers telling my kids that their
behavior is unacceptable. But the way he worded it rubbed me the wrong way! I
was already emotionally drained, and tired. This man had no idea that I had
been on my own for the weekend because Braden was at drill in another state. He
had no idea that the candy and everything else that was in the cart was NOT for
my kids, but for scouts the next day. He had no idea that those were things
that I was responsible for bringing and other people (not my kids) were
depending on me to fulfill my duties. He had no idea how many times I HAVE done
exactly what HIS mom did. If the things in the cart were for my kids, I
definitely would have put it back, take them out of the store, and not get them
anything. But I couldn't do that because I was on my own fulfilling my duties
as a Den Leader, Awards Chair, and Committee Member (of course the other two
automatically make me a Committee Member). I am not complaining about being in
scouts. I feel like it's my only connection to the outside world right now.
Even though it's stressful at times, I enjoy it. But, I digress... I have responsibilities
that others count on me outside of my kids that I was having to fulfill on my
own, without my husband because of his responsibilities. This man's comments to
my children made me fill like a s***ty mom for "not disciplining"
enough (he did not say that directly, just that impression from my viewpoint).
I can normally shrug off people's rude, insensitive comments, looks, and glares
regarding my children, but I couldn't this time. Even reminding myself of why I
was there and that I am that kind of mom he was describing wasn't helping! I
ended up calling Braden to vent to him about what just happened and the day. He
was supportive and backed me up. It was only when I was venting off to Braden
that the kids FINALLY listened and started behaving! Why do I have to get so upset
and angry just so they would listen?!?! The other thing that is really hard for
me is my siblings and I were really well-behaved kids. We were not your normal,
kids. I don’t think it was anything special my parents did. I think we were
just born that way! My mom used to think that how my siblings and I behaved was
the norm, but she is learning through me and others that we were not normal
children. I think we are aliens who made it easy on her, LOL. But,
unfortunately, this image I have of how easy it should be for kids to listen,
and respect their parents is because of how my siblings and I are. Seriously,
it just makes logical sense to follow the rules, stand up for your values, and
show respect. For me, it’s like breathing. Maybe that makes me a sheep…I just
don’t understand why it’s so difficult for my children, and really all
children. I don’t mean this in a “kids should be seen and not heard” way. I don’t
believe in that either. I also don’t mean this to sound like I’m looking down
on children (mine or yours), it’s just pure and simple “I don’t understand!” I
probably never will either, because it’s not in my nature to be defiant. It’s
in my nature to “color in the lines.” Apparently “studies have shown” that kids
like mine will be great leaders, entrepreneurs, and go far in life. But, it’s
really hard for me to see that when I’m in the thick of it.
I’m so sick and tired of my kids making me look and feel like a
s***ty mom. I’m tired of my house looking like there was a tornado. I want my
house to be clean and organized like what I grew up in. I want my kids to
realize that by working as a team, keeping up with the house will not be as
hard, because there are six of us who can pull the weight instead of just me
and Braden. I am tired, I am exhausted, and I feel like a complete and utter failure! I just want a fairy godmother to come
to my rescue! I feel like I’m drowning in all this and there’s no way out! I
feel like I will never get to be that mom who gets down on the floor with her
kids to play with them or have a flour fight with them while baking, read them
bedtime stories and sing bedtime songs, and so much more! I want to share with
them my fondest memories of my childhood. But, I can’t because I am drowning in
my own house while looking and prepping for a job.
I am the Little Red Hen.
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